January, 2013

  1. Job Swap 11

    January 20, 2013 by Christopher Buxton

    The story so far: As part of a European Union Inclusivity Initiative, British Prime Minister David Cameron and the GLB (Greatest Living Bulgarian) have swapped jobs. 

    David Cameron writes

    For the love of Boris will someone tell me what this word chalga means.  My cocktail party was completely ruined by beardy theatre folk and otherwise hot ballet babes accusing me of orchestrating the chalgafication of  Bulgarian society. Someone suggested that I was more interested in silicon enhanced tits than the Nessebur sand-dunes. Did we survive the Turkish yoke, Fascism and Communism to be smothered by boobs and arses?

    Scandals in Bulgaria are like the number 11 bus.  You wait and wait and then three of them turn up at once. You can be sitting by the steamy indoor pool in the Boyana residence for weeks, thinking that being in charge of Bulgaria is a doddle,- just like Boyko said it would be and then bang, bulldozers are demolishing sand-dunes in historic Nesebur, there’s a referendum on nuclear energy that’s worded in a way that no-one understands and your finance ministry has awarded a massive EU grant to a company called Piner that plays folk music on two TV stations.

    Now I quite like folk music. I remember quite fancying Maddy Prior, before I met Sam. And wasn’t Bulgarian folk music very much in vogue in the eighties? I can’t get enough of Kate Bush. So I couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about.

    Reluctantly I consult my shadowy minder, Tsvetan. He looks apologetic, mutters something about Bulgaria’s pride and offers me his ipod.  I give it a listen and I get warbling ballad after ballad that would get 5 points on a Eurovision night. “Is this chalga?”  I demand. “No it’s Vesselin Marinov.” “So what is chalga?” But he’s done one of his vanishing tricks.

    I phone up Boyko. He gives me his dirty laugh. “You’re on your own there, Dave!” He does offer me an address of a nice matska who’ll teach me a dance called kyuchek. Very clean, very reasonable, very discreet. I say “No way Boyko, learning the horo was bad enough”

    He changes the subject to Europe. “Why are your MPs getting in such a lather? The EU normally sends me to sleep.” I know Boyko.  I saw the picture of you at the Nobel ceremony. His final words are:  “Don’t worry about referenda Dave.  I know a way of wording them so that nothing changes. Europe is a big pie.”

    Europe is a big pie. Typical!  I must remember to check Boyko’s waistline against Ken Clarke’s when I get back.

    Meanwhile the chalga debate is getting hotter. My minister of culture made a comparison with rap.  Gangsters, sex, drugs.  But as he points out a really vital part of Bulgaria’s economy and a driver for ethnic integration. I remember chatting with Prince Charles about rap. He always wears earplugs when he visits one of his youth projects. I say it’s a shame black people didn’t stick with blues and jazz. He shrugs and says he’s always liked Elgar.

    On the advice of my new media expert a Mr Trifonov, I consulted two experts in the field. But Aziz and Martin Karbovski didn’t hit it off.  They hit each other.  It ended up with them both grappling on the floor, calling each other pederasts. Mr Trifonov suggested they should be stripped to their underpants, greased and locked in a telephone box together.  It would make great TV.

    Talking about TV spectacle, I’ve just seen some bloke in a shiny suit trying to shoot Ahmed Dogan. It just goes to show the need for strict dress code rules at party conferences.


  2. Job Swap 10

    January 13, 2013 by Christopher Buxton

    The story so far: As part of a European Union Inclusivity Initiative, British Prime Minister David Cameron and the GLB (Greatest Living Bulgarian) have swapped jobs.  In London Boyko Borisov is coping with the latest twist in the Andie Mitchell saga.  In Sofia Cameron has to deal with a sandstorm.

    The GLB writes:

    What an up-turn! Police conspiracy got my chief whip to resign. I can hear Tsvetan having a snigger right now. These upper class English close their eyes when it’s just ordinary folk getting their heads busted.  But when it’s one of their own.…

    I just had that Michael Gove in my office, Adam’s apple in full throttle and pink around the gills.  What am I going to do about police fabrication of evidence? I say: calm down Micky, it’s normal isn’t it? We put our police above the law – that’s what happens. Didn’t you read about Steven Lawrence’s brother getting stopped and searched everyday?  Yes Micky I read the Daily Mail too.  Now in my country….

    Reference to my beloved Bulgaria where we take corruption – especially by the police – in our stride just makes him even pinker. What am I doing about the EU renegotiation? Calm down Micky, wait for my speech. He goes off muttering in some ancient lingo.  I must look up the Latin for fucking Balkan peasant, before I ring up the Race Relations people.

    Just imagine if we had a Race Relations Act in Bulgaria! I see my mucker Bozhidar is in hot water for saying Brigitte Bardot and Gerard Depardieu would make better Bulgarian citizens than a thousand Stolipanovo gypsies. Well at least we provide them with dustbins.

    Just had a White House official on the phone. They always sound like happy clappy missionaries.  Gee, how’re you doing Dave? Isn’t global warming just a fantastic box of tricks? Be sure you’re in our president’s thoughts.  He saw the pictures of the floods and just wanted to come straight over and give you a hug. So sorry to hear another of your boys got caught by a rogue Afghan. Just don’t be too hard on that guy Kharzai, even if he don’t know his arse from his wallet.  Anyway Barak wants to tell you that you should stay in that Europe clubby thing. He’s just off the phone from Angie and she’s saying you’re trying to blackmail her. And have a nice day.

    You’ll ask why I don’t get a word in edgeways.  I’m not known for being a shrunk daffodil, but last time I opened my mouth, first they thought I was Gordon Brown then they assumed Downing Street had been occupied by terrorists.

    Dave has certainly put me in a bind over this Europe thing.  Not a day passes but my ear gets bent by some angry Europhobe or Europhile. My attitude to Europe couldn’t be simpler. Take as much of their money as possible, use it to build stuff like roads so Turks can get to Germany quicker.  Turkish firms give good money too. And when corruption shit hits the fan – which it inevitably will, sack folk, blame the previous government. promise to overhaul the legal system, and remind Angie that you’re not Greece. Actually Greece did Bulgaria a big favour. I told Dave to make sure he gets photos of himself in all the Bulgarian newspapers. Finger to lips.  Headline SHHH!  Don’t tell the Greeks we’re doing better than them.

    I still have to mollycoddle Dave.  Yesterday I get a panicky email from him about some sale of sand dunes near Nessebur. I had to tell him what to do. So what if members of your own party sold off a chunk of ecologically delicate protected seashore to some hotshot oligarchs. Sack them. Change the law and above all send in the police to impound the diggers. Then while everyone is stunned by your action, go out on all the TV channels and blame the previous government for the  Mafia culture they created.

    I get another e-mail.  What about the investors? One of them’s a former goalkeeper with a famous wig. No problem I tell him. They can apply for compensation through the courts. I send him a smiley face and he knows enough about the Bulgarian legal system to send one back.


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